A Smile Around Depression
Today is a bittersweet day of depression hidden behind a smile! It’s my 1 year anniversary to a wonderful, loving, giving man. How can today of all days create the depression? It’s easy, One year ago today I married the man of my dreams earlier than we had planned (summer wedding planned) because my father jokingly said he wanted to be there to walk me down the isle. You see my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was on borrowed time, timeI wouldn’t come to terms with and figured he tons of time, because my dad was a bull headed son of a bitch, and I always told him he couldn’t die because the devil hadn’t lifted his restraining order.
Somehow I convinced myself he had time, he would be cured, it couldn’t be as bad as they said. I lost my dad that February. Let’s rewind, though, the wedding day, he was late because he couldn’t find the place, he walked me down the isle, we had our father-daughter dance. He got the groom drunk in the kitchen, and I spent my wedding dinner with my new son in law and best friend (Both who I adore). All these things created happy memories! You might think spending my wedding dinner without my husband would anger me, but it was the complete opposite. This wedding was for my dad, 3 days before his 70th birthday.
I cried through my father-daughter dance, most the pictures people took had me bawling like a baby. I still haven’t changed my facebook picture from him and I. It was always my husband and I, to this day I still can’t change it. At the time I was thinking, how will you feel when you think back on your wedding, all I thought of when we put together a wedding in 3 weeks time and under a $500 budget that I would look back on happy memories and hurt so much inside.
So while I am planning the perfect dinner for my husband, his favorite items. I am sitting here lost in my emotions and memories. The holidays are coming, the first one without him, his first birthday without him is also coming… How can happy times hurt so much? Did I mention, I truly have a wonderful husband who has spent his days dedicated to making me happy?